Tree?!?! Are you kidding me?

For those of you who may not know, my 5 month reprieve from Blogging turned into a year and a half. This is mainly due to a torn disc in my back. It knocked me out of commission for a little bit. This entry has to deal with my new adventure.

I have been pretty active in physical activities for most of my life. Many sports, extra curriculars, etc. Through these activities I have had many opportunities that I would not have had without them. Through all of this though there has been one thing that has been a challenge. A little thing called FLEXIBILITY. I could not, and still can't, touch my toes (or come 6 inches from) if I bend over and try. This is one of the many areas in which I lack limberness. I was able to get away with this while I was a young lad and in my 20's. Now that I am (cough) 31 and have had a major back issue I need to change. This is important so that I am able to walk when I am 40. In order to do this I have had to take on the biggest challenge of my life: YOGA.

Most of the individuals in yoga, including my wife, are under 6 feet tall. I take classes on Tuesday and Thursday with 2 different teachers. Until last night I had only been able to get to the Tuesday session due to work. The Tuesday session is pretty nice. The instructor is a small woman. She does a pretty good job of easing the class (me) into positions and working gradually into flexibility. This is not to say that I am to a point where I need to be, but I can at least handle the pace. Thursdays I have learned are a completely different animal.

Before I progress into the events of last night, let me paint you a picture. All of you know how, for lack of a better word, large I am. Well if you have not had the good fortune of taking a yoga class I shall draw you a mental picture. There are mirrors at the front and sides of the classroom. They turn the lights down to a small glimmer and there is usually pan flute, or other wind instrument, music playing softly in the background. If it wasn't for the low tone and slow pace of the instructor's voice telling you poses, or "salutations", it would be a great way to take a nap. Now add me in the back of the class of about 10 to 15 people, all of whom come to my shoulders. This is a rather hilarious sight. Everyone looks in the mirrors to make sure that they are performing everything properly, hips in the right direction, straight core, head up, etc. I have to look at other people in the mirrors because if I look at myself it is hilarious and humiliating at the same time. As athletic as I am I look like a freaking sequoia tree trying to bend in all these crazy directions with my ginormous limbs flailing everywhere.

Last night I believe I became a distraction. As I have mentioned Tuesday's are laid back, gradual. Thursday's are a "hey, get into it!" It is still all of the same music, lighting, etc, but Thursday's instructor  is there to give you a work out. It started out with exercises that we usually end on on Tuesdays. 10 minutes into this class I was sweating like I had just run 2 miles. My body as I looked into the mirror was being contorted in ways that it has never been, and yet it did not look anything like what everyone else in the class was doing. About half way through we started doing planks. I could handle the push up plank, but then we started into the star planks, etc. I was all over the place. I was flopping around like a fish. I could not help but laugh at myself, which caused my wife to look at me and start to snicker as well. This would not be the worst part.

To give our arms a rest and stretch them out we were told to put our arms behind our backs, interlace our fingers, and push out. We were then told to bend at the waist and bring our hands, with arms out, above our heads. I paused at first thinking, "Is she out of her freaking mind?", my hands were not clasped behind my back, but at my ass. When I leaned forward my hands stayed glued to my ass as my body bent at a 90 degree angle (which is not good). I lifted my head and saw that everyone else had their head inverted close to their knees and arms straight up in the air. My pose was ridiculous. I moved my shoulders a little to see if trying to loosen them would help.  Alas, it was to no avail. At the time I did my "shimmy" of my shoulders my wife looked at me and started laughing. As she laughed I was trying to hold back my laughter. Both of us ended up snickering and turning red. Obviously it was not as quiet as we thought, but we had no other choice.

There were a few more incidents where I struggled mightily and was a comic presence, unwittingly of course, that became a distraction. I came to find out later that my wife was laughing so hard, because she thought I was stuck and could not move out of the position. I know I am completely inflexible, but that is a little ridiculous.

This yoga stuff is rough. I need it to help me survive. I do not see an end to my comedy performances in the near future. Unfortunately I must endure. To those of you that know yoga, or have been privy to a class or two, I hope you can appreciate the pain and discomfort that I am in currently. Any sympathies will be greatly appreciated.