Fear

First of all, for those wondering, my car was in the shop because it is a piece of shit. It has 77000 miles on it. Which, to be fair, is like 150000 citizen miles. But my car has been through 4 transmissions, 3 catalytic converters, and some other crap. Most of the problems I inherited from the officer who had it before me, who decided it was a good idea to drive the car through a flash flood and didn't make it. So long answer for a short question, it was having another transmission put it as well as fixing some other minor problems, which still are not fixed.

As far as the scariest moment. This is a tie amongst all the times that I have had to pull my gun out on someone. It is not that I am afraid to fire, or take a life. The fear comes from knowing what it means, or what the gun can do. I say fear, but what I mean is awe of the power that really cannot be controlled. I am in control of the weapon, in control of my actions, but I can not predict what the individual or individuals that I have to pull it on are going to do. There are so many unknowns, and that is scary.

Case in point. The most recent, was a home invasion I had to go on. My self and 3 other officers got a call from an 8 year old girl hiding in a closet, because masked men came into her house and took her mom, brother, and sister hostage. Quick story. The 8 year old called the police from the closet. We responded, saw the two men with guns pointed at the heads of the family members. We later found out that the individuals were about to duct tape their mouths and kill them (according to the family, which I believe could of happened). We had to breach the door. I already had my gun out, obviously, but for a split second after you unholster, you can not help but think "Is this really happening?" "What is coming next?" Then something triggers your instinct and training. In this case it was "drop the gun, drop the gun!!!!!!" from a fellow officer (to suspect 1). We got both of them without incident, like most cases.

What usually occurs is training and action without thinking of what is occurring. It just seems to trigger what you are to do next and progress through the motions. After the incident is when you reflect on what just occurred and what it truly means. Usually everyone sits around and talks about what happened. That is when the adrenaline is still flowing and it sinks in, a few small changes in the event and life would be a whole lot different. The fear I feel is not debilitating fear, but conscious respect of the power of what I might have to do and what a weapon is used for. As stated before, I have no problem with profession and what I am called upon to do. That being said it is still one thing to be prepared for what you have to do, and when it actually happens. I pray I never have to use my weapon on another human being, but I am prepared to do so. There is no greater exhiliaration and no greater fear in the same moment than when an officer unholsters their weapon and their senses hit super drive.